Pain and suffering

I am new to blogging. And, when having enough energy, I enjoy it – another important discovery for passing time when other activities I like are impossible for me. I typically feel comfortable sharing personal stories, feelings etc. (e.g. I was open about this cancer, and its effects, from the beginning with practically everyone). But in most cases have done so face to face with one or a few, so details and manners can be calibrated. Blogging is sharing to a large audience of different people you don't see. As I write personal stuff in this blog, I become conscious of many issues like this, particularly on their meaning and possible impact. Most of my thoughts regarding this issue are obvious, but I thought I'd share them in this post anyway. 

I do this in the context of the title, as some posts do describe my pain, discomfort, etc. For example, what does it mean to any of you, when I say e.g. “I feel excruciating pain in my back getting out of bed” or “I have the energy level of a floor rag”. The bottom line is that, I don’t know, and in this blog I'll continue doing the only thing I can – best describe how and what I feel (this brings to memory a great Hebrew poem by the beloved poetess Rachel:  

“I can but tell you my personal story”, רַק עַל עַצְמִי לְסַפֵּר יָדַעְתִּי

which I will hopefully get to when I blog about poem translations). 

I always knew that pain is individual. First, I have a very high threshold to physical pain (so, experienced far less physical pain than most people I know, but as you can imagine, this is not quite healthy, as pain serves a purpose…). I have many  funny stories about this (if you go for that kind of humor), but just as example of my condition, in two of the four times I broke my wrist over the years, I had no idea I did (once when I was a child it took my parents several days to figure out, as it got really swollen, and once as an adult, already with Edna, who sent me straight to get an X-ray when I mentioned it hurt a bit after falling during a basketball game. I certainly did know I broke it another time, when the broken bone popped out through  the skin, but even that was not very painful…). 

But pain is individual and impacts in other ways. I am sure (indeed, know) that some readers face similar or worse symptoms than those I describe, for similar medical or other reasons, in themselves or loved ones. Just talking about pain here may elicit it in others, and I don’t see how to avoid it. 

Another aspect is that, even when magnitudes of pain and suffering are "objectively" on totally different scales, comparing them is useless. My parents (in the picture) were holocaust survivors, whose entire families were taken to die at Auschwitz. My mother was 12 when this happened, and spent her adolescence in a Nazi work camp. She never talked about this of course, but I know enough of the "conditions" there - hunger, disease, death,... it suffices to say that when the war was over, she was 18 and weighed 35 Kg. My father I have directly observed suffering terribly, in the last few weeks of his life – he died of metastatic colon cancer. But on the other extreme, I (and I am sure many of you) can easily sympathize, and did, when screams and curses of the highest degree were uttered by a person hitting their thumb instead of the nail with a hammer, or by someone whose favorite café stopped serving their favorite brand of espresso. 

So, there goes, for better or worse, my growing experience with blogging, and indeed its impact on me as well.

PS As for a few days neither Edna nor I entered any “medical” info, let me add some briefly. I have been at home now almost 5 days after the hospitalization for the 2^nd round. It is easier than last time… Even had enough energy to go to lunch at IAS a couple of times, meet the new postdocs of my group and even chat 1-1 with most a bit  (despite difficulties keeping my eyes open and concentrating) – needless to say this is great for me, and as usual the interactions themselves boost my energy level! Clearly, I also managed to write a full post in these few days :) Anyway, back to medical: I will get transfused with RBCs (Red Blood Cells) and platelets tomorrow, as these are killed by chemo and go down to dangerously low levels. The mystery given last time is how fast will generation of blood cells resume, especially the white ones. This will determine if I can start the 3^rd round on time (expected Monday Sep 30). A critical next step is a bone marrow biopsy on Sep 24, when we'll see (a few days later) the impact so far of the chemo on the cancer cells, and whether transplant can happen soon.